Kim Jong Ill is a sick man. He keeps thrashing about the world stage like he has Huntington's Korea. Not only that, he keeps all his citizens starving in archie bunkers, watching All in the Faminey.

The former president of Turkmenistan was delirious on his deathbed. His aides asked before he died whom he thought should be his successor. But the statesman spouted complete gibberish, rasping "gurbangulymalikgulyyewicberdimuhammedow!" before collapsing dead.

What do you call a midget rapper?

The human G-gnome!

People from Vilnius are so shy. They should call them Lookawaynians.

NED: Did you just touch my ass?
ED: Sure did.
NED: You're a pervert.
ED: Just call me butter cup!

I wish I could piss on a tree! Oh, how I've pined and urined fir that scents of pees! Or at least dribble on my balsam.

NED: Hear about the machine that can kick a midget's ass without him even noticing?
ED: Without him noticing? Why, that ass-imp-toe-matic!

Many people from the UK have pale skin. They're like bleached Wales.

What's a mafia hitman's breakfast beverage of choice?

Cap a gino!

The male RMT disliked his female clients. He was a massagynist.

The mountaineer was spending 'personal time' with his girlfriend during an expedition. But he lost his grip while on the mount- just before the peak. He simply could not find his climb axe. Now he won't ever rest.

President Bush once took off his socks and spread out his pedal phalanges in Congress. He was criticized for abusing his 'V'-toe.

NED: Ouch!
ED: What?
NED: You! Why'd you just prick me with that pushpin?
ED: Sorry. It seems you were in my zone of a tack.

Alternate title for Homer's Iliad?

Of Mycenaean Men.

Is someone who uses recyclable tampons a gyno-ecologist?

Check out our new PunShine Valentine: Emily C!

The Northern Lights are so bright they can set off forest fires. There's nothing more spectaular than A roaring Borealis.

Anyone who steals a train has a loco motive.

The Trojan War was awful and dirty. It was Helen Earth.

Searching for an older woman?

Just Cougle it!

All married men have been sentenced to wife.

All Chaineeds people are addicted to tea.

Teepees threaten to proliferate, in this age of global wamming.

Bill Gates was quite a deliquent as a child; a real nerd-do-well!

Dictator Idi Amin was accused of cannibalism. His was a totaleatarian regime, after all.

Tina Turner's youngest daughter has already been called to the bar. She's a teen attorney.

ESL students enjoy the Baroque melodies of TOEFLmusik.

The lexicographers were involved in an acronymonious divorce.

The whitest people on earth are the Palestinians. But very few think their colour Israel.