Do souls in the underworld dial using Ba'al Hellephone?

If I had a dollar for every time I puked, I'd be retch.

ED: Do you like this abstract painting?
NED: No. Modern art makes me want to regurgiTate.
ED: Really?
NED: Yeah, it Turners my stomach.
ED: Oh my.
NED: If you'll excuse me - now I have to get up Van Gogh to the bathroom!

Eating a quantity of fruit every day is of pear-amount importance.

Let me tell you about the reek I've had: First off, I work at the ol' factory. But a few days ago I ran into some cash problems, so I asked my boss for a smell favour. What was I stinking! Now I have to avoid her, cuz she nose I odour money. Hmm, maybe if I stop wearing deodorant to work, they'll give me a high-ranking job?

The fourth Wise Man gave the baby Jesus a photo of Alfred E Neuman. It was known as the Gift of the Mad Guy.

During Chanakuh do they deck the challahs?

Santa puns really sleigh me.

Do pathologists shop at the coroner store?

NED: You know, it's really a crime to let untreated steel get wet.
ED: Really, that's fascinating...
NED: Yes - once I was involved in a hit-and-run oxidant, and it led to my arrust.

Why did the rich man run screaming from the luxury hotel?

Because - he was afraid of Hyatts!

Convicted murderers don't cry. They lacriminal glands.

What did the captain of the Titanic say after hitting the iceberg?

"This doesn't boat well."

What the maestro said when the orchestra player sneezed: "Bassoonteit!"

If men and women use a bathroom, do hermaphrodites use a bothroom?

Hear that they found evidence of cannibalism in the city of Lima?

Why yes - the Peruvian is in the pudding!

Why do those with big noses like making out with their supervisors?

Because - they're pro-boss-kiss!

Said Jesus to the crowd of plastic surgeons: "Jug not, lest ye be jugged!"

Can you trust a prostitute to keep a secret?

Not in a hotel.

When the dwarf stopped the cattle stampede in its tracks, everyone called it a miracle. "He's done the imp-pause-a-bull," they said.

NED: Have you heard it through the grape vine?
ED: No, I don't keep up with currant events.
NED: C'mon, you should be raisin your awareness!
ED: Hey - quit winin'!
NED: I'm just trying to give you a lil' viticulture...
ED: Aw, put a cork in it.

Why would the girthsome fellow only leave his house during a blizzard?

Because of the 'wide out' conditions.

When seeking to ignite his own farts, why did the Moroccan fellow prefer using a powerful blowtorch, as opposed to a simple matchstick?

Because one was light as a feather, but the other was light-ass-o'-fezzer!

Sheep will get pretty messed up if you make them go snorkeling. You know - because of the skew-ba gear.

Do they use a lot of lubricant on porno sets?

Yes - it's "Lights, Camera... Unction!"

The strict elementary school principal suspended any student who came down with laryngitis. He did not approve of hoarseplay.

NED: Would you sleep with one of your relatives?
ED: Only if I had a nap kin.

Do Egyptians like potty talk?

No, but they do enjoy pee-Nile humour.

What's worse than a 'hockey hairdo'?

A croquet mullet.

What's worse than colour blindness?

Being chromatose.