Discarded animal entrails smell absolutely offal.

The lady bug mated with her ant. It was an insectuous relationship.

When a Muslim butcher gets a divorce, does he have to pay halalimony?

The farmer was at a loss to produce more beef. In a last ditch effort he put all his cows in a cyclotron. So sad... he was really spinning his veals.

NED: Are you going to the fumigation convention?
ED: Yeah, I picked up a couple ticks!

Why do the Gents love a 'chocolate mousse' pun?

Because they are French and orignal.

My next-door neighbours are always lighting up fragrant sticks, even after I complained. They are so incensitive!

My mother is in favour of affirmative action. For example she's convinced the government should subsidize all fees for female aboriginals who want to attend university. How can she be sure such a scheme will work? "Trust me," she says, "it's my woman's Inuit-tuition."

Is the conclave of Catholic Bishops very boring?

Sigh, nod.

When he was a young man Fidel Castro went to a Cuban psychic and asked if she could tell anything about him. The old woman looked at Fidel closely and declared, "You should avoid alcohol at all costs. Because when you are drunk I predict that you will make waves, overthrow governments, and stir up revolution!" She pointed at him, "So do not, under any circumstances, become inebriated!"

Well, El Commandante was put off. This was ridiculous:

"Me, a drunken revolutionary?" he replied, "that's preposterous!" And he pointed a finger back, "Ma'am, you are a crook and a charlatan. Why, I don't even believe in stupor-sedition!"

If a naval officer loses a limb in battle and is given an honourable discharge, then in order to get it reattached he must join the army.

Which ungulate absconded with his mother's sister?

The antelope.

Meteorology is a difficult science. For instance I thought it would be a breeze to master the Beaufort scale, but it turned out to be a no-wind situation. After all, I don't speak Gale-ic!

Enjoy the sunshine? Yucatan in Mexico.

Don't drink anything while vacationing in the Caribbean. Especially in Jamaica. You'll get the rums.

Another update from South America's War on Drugs:

After years of kidnappings, brutal assassinations and jungle warfare, suddenly an olive branch! Guerrillas from the Medellin drug cartel have actually been invited to recite Cocaine Poetry at a Colombian state banquet. Many law-abiding citizens, however, are upset at this diplomatic contra-verse-y.

When was the yoyo originally used in combat?

During the First Whirled War.

I'm sick of puns about the desert - they're so overdune.

The boxer who turned priest found much glee in visiting his former ring opponents who were now old and sick, and administering a few last rights.

Do sailors have to take courses in anchor management?

It could run on a glass of beer: the Ford Pinto.

The sculptors up in Nunavut are known for their three-dimensional relief technique aka the Deep Frieze.

Romance flowers when you least expect! My pal Pete Rose, a bouquet at the racetracks, has a girlfriend named Bea. They met at a party, and she laughed when he offered to fertilizer. She looked at his pistil and said "I bet you don't have stamena." How a pollen right? And yet he nectar anyway! Then they ducked into a bathroom and she bloom on all florist. Wow, they seed an opportunity and didn't waste mulch time; now they're inseparable. That's love for you, not just a ficus of the imagination. It never turns out as you plant.

Kepler and Galileo were deadlocked in the finals of the Great Astronomy Puns Contest. So judge Spooner was called in to Brahe-cho the Ty.

The story about the winged creatures was ok, but at one point it became quite ridiculous. When the storyteller got to the part where a bird ate a bunch of sausages, I knew it had taken a tern for the wurst.

After a heavy bookcase fell on him, the wounded soldier was never the same. It was a sad case of shelf-shock.

When Napoleon came to New England, it was quite the spectacle; the people were so excited that they would pay admission even to watch him break wind! In Bangor in particular, the French Emperor's farting was considered the Maine vent.

When the thief took off from the church with all the songbooks, the parishioners cried "Get hymn! He stole psalm-sing!"

If you look at these digital photos of the wounded soldier up close, it looks like he was shot by a Canon.

What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when Dorothy spilled beer on her?

"I'm malting!.... I'm malting!"