I just got an insect sting up my anus. I think it was a bumholebee.

Why were hangings in the Old West very well attended by caterers?

Because, they said "I hear there's gonna be a luncheon!"

The physicists in the Manhattan Project developed a 'stealth fart' that made no sound. The world was devastated when the army first used this silent but deadly weapon aka the Atonic Bum.

Why could Frosty the Snowman see everything?

Because he had ice in the back of his head!

My pet monkey is very shy. It came as no surprise, then, that my girlfriend got mad when I took macaque out on a busy street.

William Shatner and Burt Reynolds are close friends. They're like toupees in a pod.

I married the baker's daughter because she had really big breads.

When the glacier was asked for an opinion on global warming, it replied "I dunno, I've never really thawed about it."

Wearing your hat indoors is a fedoral offence.

Little known fact: Mickey Mouse and Mighty Mouse once served together in the Murine Corps.

I went to university, but all my professors were crazy. I mean, absolutely nuts! They should have called it Macadamia.

Who are the angriest people?

The Irish!

What's a close second to a Sex on the Beach?

A Crotch on the Rocks.

When Sir Edmund Hillary got a chance to pitch in a baseball match, he fell asleep at the rubber. He must have thought it was Mound Have-a-Rest!

Why do old donkeys rarely laugh?

Because a mule and his funny are soon parted!

The baseball player's swing was so good, some said it defied the Laws of Physics. The critics, however, claimed his bat was quarked.

My athlete wife won an Olympic gold even while I was cheating on her. I told her, "Quit medalling in my affairs!"

The punster made a loaf of bread that had no crust. When asked if it was a joke, he said "Yes - it's my rye-bald sense of humour!"

Which alcoholic beverage is most popular among Mennonites?

Budweiser: King of Beards.

Do basketball players like to iron their pants?

Yes, they're expert at the full-cord press!

Which Happy Days character loved to read?

The Fonts!

In Russia do they search using Gogol?

It's great dating a florist, because she always know when and where to plant her tulips.

If you write an exam in a freezing cold room then you might end up as a testicle.

We know there are big-breasted women in Africa, because that's the only place where there are zebras.

Do hillbillies only wear the finest clothing?

Yes, everything's trailer-made.

Is it true that Jesus was sentenced to be run over by a Chrysler PT?

Yes, He was Cruiserfied.

Did many oil tankers crash in Prince William Sound because the captain drank too much coffee?

No, just Juan Valdez.

The city council shut down the pay-per-use public shower, because it ran into fee-douche-iary troubles.

If you flunk out of school, you may wind up driving a dumbtruck.