The US economy is debt in the water. Nothing can fill its sales.

Barack Obama is much younger than his Republican rival. He was recently quoted as declaring, "I don't need my cane as president!"

Where do you purchase prosthetic phalanges?
A faux-toe shop.

Tons more pun requests fulfilled today!

When Monica Lewinsky interned for Santa, she spent a lot of time servicing the North Pole. However, the wind blew and the weather sucked; she tried to quit, but Santa kept her around to polish his candy canes. Feeling exploited, she launched a Clause-suction lawsuit.

When reporters asked the Iranian president how he felt about America, he responded, "My mood? I'm mad! Didn'tcha know that?"

Rural America is being asked to bale out Wall Street. Most Americans don't understand the crisis, so it had to be explained to them in Lehman's terms. The bulls have lost; how quickly the Bears Sterns! The bank CEOs have been advised to keep off the streets, lest they be Merrilly Lynched.

Stephen Harper just gave Canada a kick in the arts.

Which actor liked beefcakes?
Clark Gay Bull.

The old folks home was very secure. Each door was guarded by a century.

What's Michael Jackson's signature Japanese-style beef dish?
Moo-in-wok.

My spouse is addicted to the internet. She needs her daily wife-high.

There may be widespread food shortages in Africa, but there's a real problem with obesity in Burkina Fatso.

If you go to CERN but you bring your own hadron collider, they'll make you pay a quarkage fee.

Every sheep is ewenique.

Why don't telephone scam artists use VOIP lines?

Because it's Internet tell-a-phony.

How does a cannibal greet his guests?

Knife to eat you!

Work metings are the ultimate form of punishment.

How can you tell if a dyslexic corpse is quizzing you?

'Tis More Rigor ous.

Don't go to Sweden! You'd be Svendled. Ikea you not! It happened to me, and now I'm a Volvocano, filled with rage.

Wow, the Gents are a global amateur-team naming consortium! See our latest pun requests—if you need a team name, you know who to ask (just no more bowling requests, please!). xoxox

NED: I was arrested for committing lewd acts atop a dolphin!
ED: Really?! Are you guilty?
NED: No way! Even though they caught me, there was a misunderstanding.
ED: Are you saying you didn't do it on porpoise?

Sixteenth century musicians were often guilty of lute behaviour. And any who denied it was considered a lyre.

Atkins dieters can't carry water bottles, ie cargo hydrates.

I finally drank some unusual alcohol. I lost my weird ginnity.

People with mortgages should abandon traditional medicine, and follow the advice of a home owe path.

My relatives tend to be thin except for my distend cousins.

Which bacterial illness is often caught by celebrities?

A-listeriosis.

I lost my dyslexic cat at Lake Kitty Ta Ta.

I eat pie and it makes me sick. I'm a member of the Flu Flux Flan.

Which dynasty of kings believed in sprawl?

The House of Burbin'. [As for the Tooters, they were known for breaking Windsor.]

Pharmacists are pillers of the community.