Andrew from Dugald:

If you suffer from a twitchy sphincter, would a thera-poo-tic m-ass-age help?

David from Toronto:

On the issues McCain will Palin comparison to Obama. Barack's just Biden his time.

Andrew from Dugald:

When the 20th century ended, so ended an era of great speechmakers. There was a quartet who often talked so much, their voices would get strained; JFK, Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King and FDR. They were known as The Four Hoarse-Men of the Epoch Elapse.

Peter from Toronto:

What do you call a pig that tries to talk to all the horses on a farm?

A friendly neigh-boar!

Andrew from Dugald:

Elmer Fudd's 44 yr old spouse was having their baby at home, and wouldn't you know it, the lady that was to assist the birth wasn't able to make it - talk about a midwife cwisis!

Paul from Toronto:

I want to open up a physics-themed restaurant. One of the items on the menu will be fission chips!

Andrew from Dugald:

Where does Mr. Christie stay when he's in Venezuela?

The Ritz Caracas, although I can't remember if that's south of the Oreo Grand.

Andrew from Dugald:

Did you hear that the esteemed auto-maker Toyota has a problem with cats getting caught in a certain model's fan-belts? It would seem their funky little econo-box is a Scion of fur-chew!

Andrew from Dugald:

Even in ancient Rome, they had bankruptcy problems. Cassius and Brutus were partners in a chain of liquor marts, and were almost too successful. While the shops started out with good trade, they failed to carry adequate stock and customers grew tired of not getting the amphorae they came for. Eventually Cassius had to break the news that they were broke. "The fault is not in our stores, dear Brutus, but in our shelves."

When the Scotsman who had trained my seeing-eye dog finally gave the leash over to me, he also gave me clear instructions to give him a wee bit of beer each day. Apparently he thought it was ale for what guides ye.

I was explaining to my friend how I use special shears to prune the branches on my rose bushes. All of a sudden he starts telling me about how he was circumcised at the age of 22, and he doesn't like someone speaking about cutting anything. Talk about a set of non-secateurs!

Andrew from Dugald:

I asked my local priest why he never did funeral services before noon. He yawned and said, "I'm not really a mourning parson".

Andrew from Dugald:

Archaeologists have unearthed a heretofore unknown weapon while digging at Machu Pichu. Designed to stun ememies instead of killing them, the slingshot-like device used potatoes as ammunition! Dubbed " the Inca-pasi-tater", it has led them to wonder if a "Machu Pea Shooter" is laying there, just waiting to be discovered.

Andrew from Dugald:

George Bush actually thinks his nation's national song is better than Iraq's. Just another example of his US anthem attitude.

I guess Andrew is with us! - Pun Gent Rhain

Andrew from Dugald:

Researchers have found that if they reverse the molecular structure of sugar from a left hand spiral to a right hand one, it still tastes sweet, but the body won't absorb it. A spokesman expressed surprise that the sugar could in fact be ambidextrose.

Andrew from Dugald:

Which Scottish hero was the first to forego the traditional sporan for holding his money, and used a billfold instead?

William Wallets.

Andrew from Dugald:

Why is it so hard to get people to recycle, especially plastic water bottles? Scientists say it may be a genetic trait, or in fact, a polycarbonate instinct.

San Franrisco is home to the first enclosed housing development devoted to homosexuals named Theodore. Where else would you expect to find a Gay Ted community?

Oliver Stone is coming out with a new documentary about a Swedish pod of baleen whales that scour all small life from the sea, without remorse. Its title? "Natural Bjorn Krillers."

Andrew from Dugald:

Slogan for a Dermatologist who can magically make acne vanish: "We've got all the ex-zits covered!"

How does Prince Charles invite his wife to use the commode ahead of himself? He simply says: "Camilla, Park yer bowels!"

Andrew from Dugald:

Part of a deer hunter's technique is to always hunt in groups of three - that way you can tri-ungulate the target!

How does the hunter know when he's in deer habitat? Well, if the ground is up and down, the ungulating terrain is a sure sign.

Andrew from Dugald:

Does a French veterinarian who specializes in neutering male dogs have his office on a cull de sack?

Andrew from Dugald:

Researchers have come out with a sausage-flavoured dessert for the "Field and Stream" set. Blending pork with venison flavours, the new Hog n' Does ice cream is bound to please!

My pal Dave says the only downside is that it costs two sows and bucks.

Andrew from Dugald:

A singing chimpanzee with open sores has become the latest folk-rock sensation. Despite his skin infection, he has decided to embrace it and will be touring as "Simian and Carbuncle."

Andrew from Dugald:

Spock never cared for jazz vocalizations, in fact he thought they were crap! The scientist in him would kick in and he'd say, "Scat-illogical, Captain."

Andrew from Dugald, MB:

Unlike the large amount of people involved in the singing group based in Salt Lake City, Utah, one single gay fellow is able to fill a room with music on his own. Clacking shelled creatures together, the Mere Man Tap Barnacle Queer is a very unique experience.

I told my girlfriend that sun tanning was bad for her. Disbelieving, she said, " Oh. Go wan?"

Andrew from Dugald:
If you give your gal candy that smells, and she says, "This stinks!", naturally you respond, "My scent-a-mints exactly!"

Andrew from Dugald:
What day do Scottish doctors celebrate the most when they change fire victims dressings?
Wrappy Burns Day!

Sean from Boston:
How did Pete Townsend know Roger Daltry farted?
Who nose?

Andrew from Dugald:
I just got back from seeing this great new movie from Disney. Its all about a group of thieving brigands that steal a cargo of chocolate substitute, headed from Bermuda to England. Its called Pirates of the Carob Bean.

Andrew from Dugald:
When the government shut down the East Coast fishery after scientists claimed the fish stocks were depleted, many people considered it a fled herring.

Andrew from Dugald:
Did ye no hear o' the scotsman who always lived in the shadow of his elder brother, the famous arctic explorer and master igloo builder? He joined an Eskimo tribe and built his own snow shelter in the hopes of o'ercoming his feelings o' Ian-'ad his Quincey.

Andrew from Dugald:
What did the wife of the ancient greek writer say when she found he had torn his manuscript to shreds?
"Why Euripides?"

When the detective found another Athenian sailor dead in the water, struck down by his own paddle, he was quick to realize it was another Greek Oar-a-Kill.